All I have to say about how I am doing, is when the nurses tell you that a headache from a spinal tap is worse than a hangover, worry. I've never had a hangover but can imagine. And now that I am in excruiating headache pain I would never drink alchohol let alone get another spinal tap! Ironically, to relieve the horrendous headache the doctor orders me to drink lots of caffeinated products and water. I never drink caffiene. Ever. So I have been getting shaky after every can of mountain dew and still having headache. just sent Dean off to the pharmacy to get caffiene pills. no one believes me when I tell them the doctor said to take caffiene, but its true. This whole thing sucks. I take birth control and dont drink caffiene to avoid ovarian cysts, my neurologist says stop taking birth control and drink lots of caffiene. So with any luck my headache will go away, but I may end up in severe pain next month w/ a cyst! how's that work?!
-t.jpg){kind=link}
This was yesterday. Today I am feeling suprising well. My head feels clearer, I guess when they released some of the extra pressure it helped. I haven't been naseaus or dizzy since, nor seen spots. Despite that my back is sore and I am supposed to be in bed for a day or two. I am stubborn and have trouble doing so especially when I am feeling pretty good, better than I was on Monday.
Dean got my some dvds to watch, I was watching Divine Secrets of the ya ya sisterhood but the dr called and I took a break to come get up and move around. I have to start taking medicine to control the increased pressure in my brain. Not sure whats causing it, have another blood test to take and they are doing lab work on the spinal fluid collected. As someone so kindly commented, you could find out if you have MS. A thought which my doctor said is unlikely, thank goodness. but you can never know. All of my other lab work was normal so no real reason for the extra pressure could be just from the birth control. I will just be glad if this medicine helps me feel better. Who would have thought I'd be feeling so bad and it would be something in my brain? I mean usually you feel bad and its a virus or something wrong w/ an organ but i guess you never think my brain could be making me sick? well i really need to get back to lying down so my headache doesnt come back. While doing the procedure my head hurt so bad I was crying. The procedure pain was nothing compared to the headache. It came and went all night then this morning after sleeping to 11:15 I awoke w/ no headache. I hope it stays that way. Well my back is aching from being in this chair when it's been used to laying down so off to bed w/ me to watch some chic flicks in a quiet kidless husbandless house. Strange how much I miss them. Poor Caleb is off at daycare and Dean at work, while I sit around w/ nothing to do but rest and munch on doritos(if Dean were here he'd grab the bag from me, like he did last night, I tend to overeat Doritos, but they are so yummy!) My mom brought us dinner last night, meatballs and raviolis, mmmm! It was great. Theres tons left so that will probably be my lunch too. Then tonight my brother and his family and friends of ours are coming over. So I better enjoy the quiet while I can!
Countdown time, to my spinal tap and thanksgiving! Did all the housework today that was left to be done. Finished the grocery shopping, except for a few little things. In less than an hour I will be at the hospital getting settled in for my spinal tap. The closer I get the bigger my fears get. i've been so busy today I've tried to block that part of my day out of my mind. I mean I've been cleaning and looking around to make sure I do everything I can do that I wont be able to for a day or two, but that's all I think. that I wont be able to stuff for a day or two, dont think about why or anything. Silly me. I don't cope well with stress. The little stuff or the big, well with me it's all big stress, I tend to turn the little things into big scary monsters too!
My son has been getting so big so quickly. He's talking so much more now, words and names and he'll babble on and on as if in complete sentences but he's the only one who knows what he means! It's adorable to listen to his little chatter! He's outgrowing his clothes, again. I love him more than words could ever express. I know this next few days will be difficult for us all but no matter what I will do what it takes to let my son know he is loved even if I do have to be careful not to lift him or anything.
Well enough procrastinating, I am going to get myself ready and then head off to the hospital. Say a prayer or ten for me! Oh yeah, all of my blood work came back normal, so that is good, but doesnt put us anywhere closer to a diagnosis than I'd like. If I'm not back on here by then, Have a Happy Thanksgiving!
It's monday. My body tells me it's Monday. Tired, torn and ragged. Isnt the weekend supposed to refresh you? the last two weekends we've done little but hang out around the house. This weekend we worked a lot on the house though, Dean even cleaned til aobut 1 am on Friday so I wouldnt have to stress all weekend, meanwhile I slept peacefully! Poor guy. I didnt ask him to clean, but I did argue w/ him about feeling horrible because I havent felt well enough to. I awoke w/ a severe headache this morning. It's come and gone all day. I called out of work. I've spent the day cuddling and playing with my son, preparing him for a day or two when I wont be able to interact with him much. Tomorrow is my spinal tap.
We're aiming to having everything ready as far as house preparations and grocery shopping by tonight or the latest tomorrow before my test. Things are going smoothly. The house looks good. I washed up the china and the table cloth today. but mostly today I've been enjoying the little things. The hugs, the kisses and being able to hold my son and read to him, and having him sit through a book not squirm away. All weekend I've tried to give him more attention, attention I've been lax in giving lately because I always feel horrible. It's almost 60 outside so despite my nagging headache and spots in my eyes I walked him to the park to play. He walked half way back home like a big boy then I had to put him back his stroller for fear it would take hours to get home at that pace. My plan worked well, he's enjoying nap two which with any luck will last until it's time to leave to pick up Dean from work. I was planning on napping as well, but thought I'd write a little then prepare a meatloaf for dinner.
I think the main cause of my feeling so bad today, headache, naseaus, and stomach ache is from having to stop the birth control. I was in week 3 of the pills and now I'm all off whack. i was fine the first two days w/out pills but now I feel horrible. I havent gotten my blood test results back yet so I dont know if these symptoms are old or if they are from stopping the pill. Tomorrow the big day, afterward we should have some more solid news. If the test is normal we're back to square one, if the pressure in my brain fluid is high then it's on to treatment for that. All I know is I cant wait to get this all resolved so I can feel better.
Hopefully we'll have lots of good news to be thankful for this week, if not, at least having the precious time with my family is worth thanksgiving enough!
Well...it's been a long week and it's only Wednesday! I went to my regular doctor yesterday, got a lot of blood drawn and they made me an appointment to see a neurologist today. Went to that appointment, and was glad to hear other than the symptoms I told him about there was nothing else wrong neurologically that he could see. So it is more than likely the increased pressure in my brain, so he ordered more blood work and scheduled me for a spinal tap on next Tuesday. He also told me that my birth control could be causing some of the problems and to stop taking it until they confirm whether or not it could be related. I only take it to control my ovarian cysts, and never wanted to start it in the first place, so now I am mad at myself for taking it because it may have complicated things. So as of tonight no birth control. Good and bad I guess. Bad mostly because I could get pregnant easier now and I cant get pregnant taking the medicine I am taking for blood pressure and if I start taking meds for all of this stuff I cant get pregnant either. So it is a catch 22. Dont know what will happen next.
My test next week may interfere with our hosting thanksgiving dinner. The dr said I cant work Tuesday or Wednesday and to take things slowly after that, but that I could be ok to work on Thursday, so luckily since it's a holiday I get an extra down day but we'll be having company which I am hoping is helpful to my being able to get dinner ready!
Since I've been feeling bad and the diagnosis is still up in the air, I have had no desire to be social. Dean keeps sharing my story with others trying to get their input and I suppose to get it off his chest. Me I am keeping quiet. I dont want to think about the possibilities and what effect it will have on things, knowing it's already causing such a problem is enough. Each day brings more information and so far good news, mostly. I laughed because today part of the blood work was to rule out that I am pregnant and I told Dean it would be funny if it comes back positive thus explaining half of my symptoms! Not likely but not impossible (as I am not good at remembering to always take my birth control so that will be nice to not have to deal with! ) My main fear is the future and how things will change. I mostly want some energy and less trouble seeing and concentrating and then I'll be happy. But I also want to be able to have another baby without complications which seems almost impossible when looking at my risk factors now. I was already high risk w/ Caleb and now with all of this stuff seems like it would almost be healthier for me and my family to not consider having another child. That scares me the most. i've always wanted to be a mother, and now I am, but I 've always wanted a lot of children. Guess God's already got it all worked out. Now we're just waiting for him to finish this part of the plan and then I guess we'll think about the future.
Despite the increased stress right now I feel okay. I mean not physically but emotionally. I've come to terms with knowing that I'm not losing it and my symptoms are real and warranted for concern. I've also come to realize that all I have to do is ask for help and my friends and family members will be there for me. Thats been the hardest part of this for me. needing help. Needing to accept i cant do it all, clean house, work, tend the baby, do laundry, be a wife. It's hard and more than I can handle now or in the near future even. Dean's been great and having friends that are there for me even if only via email or im is so helpful.
Dean said my last entry was hard to understand, like I my thoughts kept running together. I hope this one isnt as bad, but thats what my heads doing to me these days. Stumbling all my words and thoughts and steps sometimes too. Darn head! Cant wait to get better!!
As I dropped my son off to daycare on Thursday morning I told him over and over again how much I love him and that no matter what happened that day that Daddy would come pick him up. Why was I so emotional you ask? On Tuesday morning I called mydoctors office to describe some symptoms I was having and was told I needed to come in right away. So I went to work first to tell them what was going on, since I was already in jeopardy of getting fired for missing days. Then I headed to my doctors office where I was told I in week 3 of an ear infection which for some reason isnt reacting to antibiotics and that I need to go to the opthamologists ASAP. So I called the opth. and got the first avail appt for Wednesday, for 2:00. Which meant more time off of work, not good. So I went to work, my schedule is 11-8 (for now, hopefully getting a better shift on Dec. 2nd) so I worked til 1:25 then walked to the hospital for my doctors appt. Spent several hours there getting tested and being told I have papilledema and that I had to get a STAT cat scan to rule out a brain tumor. So since it was now around 4:30 on Wednesday they scheduled my Cat Scan for Thursday morning before I had to be at work.
I went and luckily didnt miss any more time from work that day, but the waiting for results while I handled other people's health concerns at work all day drove me mad. I went home that night and was in bed very early and didnt want to get out of bed on Friday. But I did. I went to work, thanks to Suz watching Caleb since our sitter had a death in the family. I got my lunch break at 4 and I still hadnt gotten a call w/ my test results so I called the dr and was told my test results were normal, which is what they expected to happen. Next step is to get a spinal tap to pressure the excess fluid and pressure in my brain and possibly due another Cat Scan or a MRI. pending those results I will see a neurologists or maybe even have to go to the hospital for treatment pending how bad it is.
What does this mean? That the symptoms that I have been having off and on for years now are not my imagination. That there is truly something wrong that needs treated, something serious. Its gotten worse lately, I dont know if because I know what symptoms to look for and can tell, or just because it's getting worse. I fell asleep driving the other day to pick up Dean from work, I always fall asleep anymore as soon as we get in the car to go somewhere. I am always so tired. I am sure the stress from this and possibly lossing my job cause I've been sick and needed to go to the dr doesnt help either.
Yesterday at 3 I had a meeting with my boss who made me sign my last written warning for absences. If I miss again I am gone. If I miss again we have no health insurance to cover my illness. But my next appointment is on Tuesday morning before work, but pending what the doctor says I may not go to work that day, I dont know how quickly the testing process goes now. I mean I know that with this you have to get the first Cat Scan quickly in case you have a tumor but I dont know if they generally wait to do a spinal tap or if it's also an urgent thing. I think the drs were trying not to worry me and therefore told me little other than that these are the possible causes of your symptoms and this is how we are going to rule those causes out. I tried to find out about filing short term disability but they said I cant until I miss at least 7 days consecutively for an illness, missing here and there doesnt count. But the whole point I missed here and there was so I wouldnt get fired, so despite how bad I felt I did my best to go to work. I mean after that appt where they said you need a STAT cat scan, what did I do? I went to work for another couple of hours because they needed me.
Dean's been great about all of this. He's been super dad and hubby and housewife, I mean househubby! He's been cooking more and better than I am! My mom is in worry mode, I am too, but considering everything I am doing pretty well. It helps to know that I am not imagining how I feel and that there is a reason for it. With treatment I hope to not have more problems with my eyes, but I am so scared that they may have to do surgery or that I'll be on treatment for the rest of my life. I am only 23. I shouldnt be sick. I shouldnt need to take pills for the rest of my life. This sucks. I know that there are a lot of people out there younger than me who have serious conditions that mean lifelong treatment, but I know I am not strong enough emotionally to handle that thought for myself. I hate to think what this means for my son. I hate to think this may put off my having more children because of the meds I will be on. I just plain hate this. This waiting things out to see what comes next meanwhile trying to keep up house and home when I barely have enough energy to get up out of bed! Dont want you to feel sorry for me, I knew that I had to share sooner or later, and since Dean's busy playing and Caleb's napping and I am alone in thought, that it mine as well be now. I thought Dean didnt understand what was going on, but he put it well in his own words, better than I could have. I've tried not to talk about my condition and the possibilities because then I'd have to face it. Face the what ifs and whens. Might be quiet around here for a while, but Dean will always post updates. I'll try to keep up, but like I said, this is hard for me right now. Trying to cope with this and other life issues puts a damper on your desire to socialize or even just open up in written word. Keep us in your prayers.
Caleb taking a ride
Caleb watching Sesame Street
My angel!
Working hard!
We had a great time today enjoying the great outdoors, well in our front and back yard that is! It was in the 60s out and the sun was shining! It started with Dean getting motivated to cut the grass so Caleb wanted to go outside with his daddy so out we went. He followed Dean around as much as I would let him, but the lawn mower kind of scared me when it comes to letting Caleb get close to it when it was running. So I attempted to rake up the back yard, but Caleb wouldnt allow much although he had fun trying to do so himself and then trudging through the piles of leaves! took me back to my own memories when every fall we'd have a leave raking party at my grandparents at which all the grandkids would help rake and then play in the piles of leaves, as well as play other games that turned into tradition for us grandkids.
After wearing ourselves out outside Caleb napped a while while I cleaned up the house and Dean worked on the computer. Then we went to my parents for dinner. They gave us new bath towels for our anniversary present! I had said that that is what I was wanting for Christmas(dean wants a good set of pots and pans ~ funny how neither of us want anything for us), but mom got a good sale last week so got the towels for us now. I am so glad, we havent had new towels since college probably, maybe a few new ones, but these are great! Then we headed to the mall to find my growing toddler a new pair of shoes. His feet are wide so his current shoes were leaving marks on his feet and I was worried it was hurting him. So he's now got a new pair of size 5(infant size that is!) We got a great deal, we went to Foot Locker kids, almost didnt because we didnt want to spend the money, but Dean saw a clearance section, so that's the only reason we went in. We got a pair of great shoes for him that were originally $39.99, we only paid $9.99. Gotta love a bargain.
Tonight I chatted with Stacey about the price of kids today and how a friend of hers kids are always dressed the best, better than us any day! I told her that the people that say kids are expensive are the ones spending $40 on a pair of infant shoes! Caleb will be sporting a fashionable pair of $40 shoes, but we didnt pay that for them. And I will never spend that much on shoes for him, until maybe he's a teenager, and then maybe even not. I'd much rather him have food, new books, or new toys than high fashion expensive clothes that he'll stain or grow out of in a month if that. And you know what, my kid looks just as good as those kids whose parents can afford to spend a lot of money on their clothes, if not cuter! Not that I am saying spending money on your kids is bad, just prioritize your spending, come one $40 for a pair of infant shoes! It's not like they are orthotic or anything, and some of them dont even offer the support infants need in shoes. Thats my vent for the day! Sorry if I affended anyone, ok, no I am not. I could honestly say we could have afforded to pay $40 for shoes, but you know what, we didnt. I spent $25 total on a pair of shoes, 2 new pajamas sets and an auntie ann pretzel for Caleb tonight, and at the end of the night I got from him a priceless hug and kiss and lots of cuddle time!
That's our little bear! He wore that to church today and everyone thought it was his Halloween costume, but it wasn't. It's just an adorable outfit I found for him on clearance a few weeks ago. I told Dean I want an outfit like that, cause it's fleecy and looks so comfy. Caleb seems to think it's comfy too. The other pic, as if you werent smart enough to tell, is off our bed, and our new down comforter! We love it so much. It was definitely a great anniversary gift. Unfortunately today as Dean and I settled in for a nap under our nice comfy blankets Caleb decided he was done napping and was ready to play. I thought it was odd that we were able to nap on a Sunday afternoon, just couldnt figure out why it seemed so odd to be laying down to nap when Caleb's cry on the monitor swiftly reminded me why parents never get any sleep!