let me just say I just typed a whole freakin entry and lost it when I tried to post this picture of our car accident yesterday.

I am so excited, yesterday I felt pretty good (compared to usual)all day, despite the nagging exhaustion and off and on headache and strange stomach cramps(probably the result of too much junk food). I didnt nap at all yesterday so it was no wonder I was more tired than usual. Then this morning I could hardly get out of bed, exhaustion is not the word for it. But after a shower I felt a little more alive. managed to take Dean to work, make Caleb and I a good eggfilled breakfast, and slowly the day started to fade away. Before we knew it it was lunch time and we were enjoying a visit from Stacey, Caleb was a little not himself with her, guess he's kind of confused about her not being in the house all of the time.

Despite the fatigue and desire to crawl into bed all afternoon I spent the time w/ Caleb playing and/or cleaning house. we finally napped around 3:30 until it was time to go get Dean(he actually called to wake me up 10 minutes before I was to be there to get him and I hated getting out of my nice warm bed to the freezing cold car.) Overall, today and yesterday, I've felt better. Not great, but I was at least motivated to do things and not completely overwhelmed by my nasueas, fatigue, headache and blindspots! No really, either my body is adjusting to feeling crappy and I'm getting used to it, or it's not as bad as it was last week. Bad; but not as bad? is that even possible? well of course it is...i guess...

Thought for today: in EVERYTHING give thanks....being thankful for today being better than yesterday...being thankful I am only nasueas not vomitting! .....being thankful I can nap midday when the rest of the world is sitting at their sad little cubicles wishing there were curled up at home in bed....being thankful we were blessed with our angel Caleb who never ceases to amaze me...

Last week we had our first meeting with our new couples small group. There are a zillion kids in the group too, or as a result of the group! So they've got it set up that one week all the guys get together then the next week it's all the couples and we pay a sitter to watch ALL the kids, then the 3rd week all the ladies get together. So this is week 3; just got in from sitting at Starbucks talking about everything and anything that women can talk about (ironically, we didnt really discuss men as you would think would happen when a bunch ladies get together!) So we mostly talked about: kids, life, pregnancy(including of course our birth stories), work, and prayer requests(which were about most of the same(even giving birth since we have an expecting couple in our group- only 6 more weeks til our group grows again!)

All week long I was excited about this meeting, knowing I desperately need to build relationships with other moms/wives. All day I dreaded it. On the way I prayed for the strength to open up and be open to others. I had tears in my eyes several times, some times due to laughter, but mostly with joy as I heard time and time again familiar stories about things I am going through now or that I could at least relate to. Of course I was one of the last to share their prayer request. I didnt know if I was going to share about psuedo tumor or not, but I knew I had to, for me and for the group. I knew it wouldnt be right to keep such a big thing a secret if I was going to try my best to start new relationships. I know I didnt do a good job describing my condition and on the way home laughed to myself as I recounted how it went and realized that I left out telling them about the major symptom, the headaches that are the worst ever. No one seemed to have heard of it before or if they had just didnt say so. I was relieved after I shared but on the way home i wondered if I could have done a better job explaining, and I am certain I could of, but I was nervous enough to share as it was. Did I already say that, see what I mean, its hard to talk about sometimes...

I really like the ladies in the group and Dean seemed to enjoy his night out a few weeks ago. We both really feel like this is where we need to be now and w/ each church service and get together we get some confirmation of that. Tonight it was amazing how one woman shared her story of her last year and I how I felt completely where she was, with of course a few differences. but hearing someone else talk about things so freely gave me a hope I havent had in a long time.

What better thing to be greatful for today than the beginning of new friendships!

More pudding please?

After a bath ....

and a horrible attempt by mommy to cut Caleb's hair.

Spent the last fews nights sitting side by side w/ my hubby as we both surf the net or do other idle things on the puter. tonight as I finished up I mentioned that I've blogged almost every day for the last few days, since I've been back to blogging that is. Then I realized that that wasnt true, I didnt write yesterday and was just about to go watch tv and go to bed without blogging again.

yesterday my brother and his family came to visit; another couple came over to visit with us too. So we had a housefull last night, and again today. Dean unfortunately had to work today, so it was just myself, Caleb and my brother his wife and their son, until this afternoon. My parents came over and brought w/ them my grandparents. It was a busy place these last few days. we've had a housefull of people off and on for days coming and going. It was starting to try my nerves too, and it didnt help that I had an important doctors appointment today.

So I left Caleb here w/ family and headed off to the doctor. I told them that I never have to wait long to see this doctor so I shouldnt be gone long. Well after the first fifteen minutes of waiting a man came out of the drs office and sat down in the waiting room again. I thought ok, he is done and maybe he's waiting for a RX or samples or something. ten minutes later the dr calls him back in. Then it hit me. This little routine was familiar to me. When we first went to this doctor Dean went with me and we both went in first to discuss things then Dean was sent out while the dr did his exam and then he talked to both of us again. I had been getting a little frustrated for having to wait, but like I said this was the first time this dr had made me wait, so I knew it must be important. Then I felt very sympathetic for that other couple. the wife was in her 30s or so I was guessing and I put myself in her shoes. Sure she could be there for a zillion reasons but if it was anything similiar to what I was dealing with I was glad for her that she found this doctor and even more grateful that her hubby found it equally important to be there w/ her. By the time I was called back I had forgotten all about having to wait long because I knew that surely anyone who needed more than an hour with the dr truly needed to be seen more than I did. I felt a little better, until it was my turn of course.

I told the dr I was feeling bad again, very bad. he looked me over, said my eye looks better but that its not normal and he is unsure from the notes sent from my neuro-opthamologist if he thought my eye just looked better than it did pre surgery or if it was normal. So he's having me go back to that dr asap to check it, he seemed worried that things may be worsening after the surgery and that it may not have worked as well as it should have, or could be that that other dr knew that after surgery my eye was better than it was and that that was the best it was going to get. So point is, the psuedo tumor was causing severe optic nerve damage in both eyes, my left eye a lot worse than the right. So I had surgery on my left eye to correct the problems being caused and to prevent vision loss. When I went back to the dr that did the eye surgery he said it looked better than it did. my dr today agreed but we werent sure if like I said if better is all that I am going to get or if its getting worse than it was when I went 2 weeks ago when that other dr said it was fine. If its not getting worse but how it is now is how it is going to stay then I will continue to have symptoms and have basically been told there isnt anything they can do. If it is getting worse I may need more surgery. Either way its not good. Either way I will still be sick. He told me that right now both eyes look about the same as far as the optic nerve damage, and that when I first went there was a huge difference in how the left eye looked compared to the right eye. Now its about the same but neither is good or even close to normal.

when I say my eyes are normal or are damaged its not something you can see by looking at me, well except for now w/ the post surgery healing in my left eye which is still very visible. When the dr uses a light to look at the back of my eye, the optic nerve, it is damaged and swollen, which causes me to feel bad. This is just one of the complications, the major one, of psuedo tumor cerebri. I was looking forward to my appointment today, but I was also scared. Scared that what happened would happen. that we wouldnt be any further along then we were before my surgery, and that theres not much hope as far as treatment goes.

Despite this, I will still be thankful today for:

*watching my son play with his great grandparents
* having family around to care for me and my son when we need them
* time for reflection
* being able to cry and feel God's peace despite my own despair
* and last but not least, having a loving understanding husband

Sadly I've noticed my tongue is becoming accustomed to the use of not so nice words. I never used to curse at all but lately it's been bad, not quite sure why but I am driving myself nuts. I dont mean to but its like my filter's not working. And oddly enough, this is the one negative change in me lately. I've been doing so well lately to make sure I get in my bible reading and prayer time, it's like I'm finally on the right track and my tongue doesnt want to follow suit.

More than likely its got something to do with my hormones, being off the pill and my anti depressants, I'm all off whack. I've been brought to tears by radio ads! At night I'll be nearly asleep and think of something off the wall and burst out laughing and Dean thinks I'm losing it. I told him it feels like my hormones are acting as if I'm pregnant, it's horrible to be on such a roller coaster of emotions. Today was pretty bad. I lashed out at Dean in front of a houseful of people. Then I laid in bed at balled my eyes out. I felt much better after I got it out of my system but I know this must be hard for dean and I suspect Caleb senses that things aren't quite right since he's been very clingy and has developed a habit of calling for mommy now as it always used to be daddy he called for.

Todays enjoyments included

* lots of cuddly baby hugs

*watching my son play with my brother in law and knowing they'll get to see lots more of each other now that he's back in town

having a clean house (getting it to that point is a different story)

grocery shopping by myself (so nice to not have to entertain a toddler and try to remember what you wrote on the grocery list that you left at home!)


I think what made today really hard for me was watching my best friend move out of our house to her first real on her own home. She's been with us for about a year, and lately since she and I arent working we've spent a lot of time chatting or watching tv together. In high school I moved out temporarily and lived with her and her mom and brother. We all shared this tiny little two bedroom apartment. I didnt have to be there but I felt more at home there than I did at my house at the time. we used to be so close. Over the years we've gone our separate ways but have always been there for each other.

I did my best to offer her help but she never took me up on my offer, and Dean said he tried to see if she needed help and she said no. So we did our own thing tending to the baby and household chores while she, her friend and fiance moved out all her things. I feel horrible about not being more helpful, but its so hard to do much with Caleb and even harder when you dont know what is expected of you. Part of my lashing out today at Dean was because when I got back from my grocery shopping on my own, I unloaded the groceries and had no clue where Dean was and all I knew was was that someone else was watching Caleb and I unloaded groceries alone. All the while in my driveway my best friend was unloading her bed and belongings to be driven off.

Sure it doesnt seem like a big deal but it seemed so real at that moment that we're in two different worlds now and I fear they will never collide again. I am home bound w/ a toddler and debilitating health condition and she's setting off to establish her first home with her first long term boyfriend. After writing that I wonder if its jealousy thats plaguing me, but I think more than anything I'm afraid. Afraid for the things that lay ahead for her that she may not be at all prepared for. Its not my place to worry about her that way but she's like my sister and I want what is best for her. It's just hard to see her go knowing that this may be the end of our friendship. Lately I think the only thing holding our friendship together was the fact we lived together. We've been living our different lives for so long and unfortunately it doesnt seem like we've got all that much in common anymore. I long to be back to the simplicity of things. Then again I wouldnt change the way things were for anything. I just wish there was a way I could help her prepare for the things to come, marriage, children, a home to care for. She's a big girl and she can take care of herself, it's like wanting to protect your loved ones from getting hurt or making the same mistakes you may have made. Not saying that marriage and children are a mistake, I guess I just wish I could impart to her that importance and help her realize that changes that are going to come. All I can do is stand by and hope she knows that I love her and that I'll always be here for her, like any sister would be.

One day maybe she'll be able to look back and know that these last few months with us helped prepare her more than she thought for what a family should be like. I guess thats what it all boils down to. we both came from a rough child hood and I dont want that for her future, I want her to have a wonderful marriage and family. I hope that even with our failures that mabye Dean and my marriage may have shown her that things can be happy and that children are a true blessing. We may not be the perfect couple but I hope that if anything that we can be an outward witness to others of a Godly couple. Sure we all have our faults but I guess my point is that I hope that during the time she spent with us that we may have given her a little hope that there are marriages out there that are successful. Tonight as her room lies empty and dismal I hope that wherever she is that shes happy and safe with her fiance. I miss her already....

wohoo, today is my birthday! Ashame I dont feel like partying. Sadly enough both Cheryl and I should be celebrating today but are both feeling sick. Despite my yuckiness I managed to thoroughly enjoy a dinner date w/ Dean and boy was it yummy! We went to Red Lobster and the best part was dessert, vanilla bean cheesecake,mmmmm! After that we went to Best Buy and I got two cd's, Avalon and Zoe girl, both were remixes of their other cds, I really enjoyed what I've listened to so far since we've both them.

well time to end this wonderful , well not exactly wonderful, but definitely a reflective and special birthday. Things to be thankful for today:

* vanilla bean cheesecake

*my moms german chocolate cake (havent tasted it yet but the fact she made me one is worthwhile not to mention I can eat it for breakfast tomorrow!)

* fingerpainting my own birthday card from my toddler (lol)

*an uninterupted dinner w/ the love of my life (well kind of, the couple behind us brought their toddler who was trying to be our friend! but it wasnt too bad!)

* snow! I love snow on my birthday! just enough to make it pretty out!

My best friend asked me the other day why I stopped blogging. I told her right now I couldnt honestly say I remember and it's been less than a month. At the time, I was sick and fed up with life. In such a state of depression that nothing meant anything to me, to the point I questioned why I was even alive. I was giving up. Giving in. Giving it to God, again. If it werent for my devoted and loving husband and wonderful blessing of a son I dont know if I would have even bothered going on.

A friend recently wrote about her own coming to terms with depression, and it made me cry. My recent diagnosis of psuedotumor cerebri made me realize that these feeling of sadness and depression are not my fault. I've got a medical condition that is for me, at times, very disabling and that in itself can lead to depression. Still despite that I still try to deny how I feel. I blame myself for those bad days, the days when I cant find the strength to get out of bed or if I finally do, to do much else but lay and let Caleb terrorize the house. After which that night I end of taking what little energy I have cleaning obsessively blaming myself that I didnt clean or do much of anything else all day, forgetting that I feel like crap and usually making me feel worse in the end which genereally turns to my lashing out at Dean for not helping when indeed the whole problem is me not him. It's a viscious cycle. I want it to end. At that end of those nights I end up in bed exhausted and in tears w/ a usually upset and frustrated hubby next to me wishing he could help but neither of us knowing what could be done to fix any of it.

Since my last entry I've lost my job due to being ill so often and missing work. I've had surgery to hopefully fix some of my symptoms and prevent any more visual loss. I felt better for about a week or two, still not had a killer headache like I used to which has been nice. But all of my other symptoms are back and w/ a vengeance. I go back to the dr on Monday. I ran out of my med for my anxiety and depression, missed my appointment to get a refill for it. I dont want to go. That dr doesnt know I have pseudo tumor yet, I havent been to him for a few months, dont want to go back. I dont want to have to take meds for this or anything. I know its silly, especially since it seems to help me, sometimes. I hate taking so many pills a night, that alone makes me depressed anymore. I am going to be 24 on Friday, I take about 5 pills a day, at least, I dont count anymore. I'm scared to think how that number may increase as I get older.

The only pill I was supposed to stop taking was my birth control. And I have. This makes things hard on Dean and I as well. I want a baby, God knows why I would when I can barely care for me and Caleb now somedays, but in general I've felt a lot better than I did before this surgery. I am afraid that if we dont have a baby now that we wont be able to. Infertility and/or reproductive problems are common in women w/ psuedotumor. No suprise there as it took as years to get pregnant w/ Caleb and only after procedural intervention by the dr. Since being off the pill I have felt again symptoms of having an ovarian cyst again. The whole reason I started the pill to begin w/, to help prevent painful cysts. Let me once again say, I am only 23. I want to be able to enjoy life. Enjoy my toddler. Enjoy my hubby.

I stopped blogging because this is how it always seems to go. I feel bad, I write about it and I feel worse because its so sad and depressing. I want to have good things to say. I dont want people to feel sorry for me.

Things I love about life today:

waking up cuddling with my hubby
big hugs and kisses from my precious little boy
discovering how to use E-bay
watching my son love on my mother and seeing him cling to her for more hugs
the thought of a yummy spaghetti and meatball dinner
naptime

Another positive, 2 more days til my birthday. I think a want a dog for my birthday. We tried to get a puppy a few months ago but Caleb was too young and so was the puppy. I'd love a young dog but one old enough to be already housebroken and one that doesnt shed too much. Gee, I sure am picky. Other than that all i want for my birthday is a good nights sleep and time to sleep in, and well of course maybe a special celebration involving just me and my hubby!! (use your imagination) So far, all I know that we are doing is going to Red Lobster for dinner, my mom is babysitting. That alone is something I have been looking forward to for a week or two. Well not sure if this update is a sign that I will be back writing again soon, or just my needed to get some things out.